Sunday, July 31, 2011

No motivation

I can't explain this feeling.
In all honestly, I only wish there was an exact words to explain it all, but sadly there isn't.
I seem to have lost my touch in the things I loved to do.
Making videos and being proud, taking pictures and feeling accomplished and most of all, writing and being astounded by my own work of art.
Now, I have no motivation to do anything.
I can't seem to put together a video anymore, Can't take a picture without deleting and it and I cant seem to write without stopping and forgetting about it.
Over all I feel lost within myself.
There is something blocking me from doing what I loved to do and I just can't get rid of it.
Maybe its my depression, finally getting a good grip on me.
Whats worse is, I feel like I can't rid of it, like there really isn't anyone out there to really help
For once in my life, I feel alone.
More then anything.
Sure I have friends that want nothing more then to help me but this feeling refuse to let me open up to them
tell them whats wrong and what I'm feeling cause I feel like they'll never really understand, fully grasp what its doing to me.
so the loneliness seeps in more.
wrapping around my heart and constricting it and grabbing a hold of my mind, shoving thoughts that tell me, I will always be alone.
What is there to be done.
No matter how hard I look, I cannot find an answer
With no motivation, my life is just spiraling down wards again
and this time, no one is there to catch me..

Monday, June 27, 2011

A poet's life

At a young age she didn't know where she belonged
wondered, if something was wrong
she watched her siblings grow up to be successful in their life and wondered
"Where and when do I start?"

age 11, tragedy struck
she lost the closest person to her and she muttered
"I am lost"
She no longer wanted to be apart of life
she no longer wanted to deal with her pain
slowly, she became insane

Age 12 she closed herself in her own little shell
No one could get near her, no one dared to try
she stared at her arms and wondered "How can I die?"
She took a pen and poked herself constantly, watching the ink leave dots
slowly those dots turned into words an she realized
the pen held a gift

Age 13 she created poems about him
how she missed him and wondered when will they meet again
sadly she was still unsure of her own life
wondering "Will I ever be with him"

Age 14,  slowly she showed others of her talent
they pushed her on, telling her
"You could be famous"
she didn't exactly agree
to her, the words on the sheet were ugly
as much as they praised her, still refused to agree
after all, it was the pain that started it all

age 15 she still remained closed up
her poetry coming in by the dozen as she
scribbled away her pain till she broke down crying
they still spoke of her torment and how much she missed him
as much as she wrote, she wasn't pleased.
she stopped using paper and reverted back to her arm

Age 16, she slowly crawled out of her shell
as people close to her urged her out
they promised friendship that never would never fail
Her poems slowly stopped as she became more active in her life
love also became part of her life story
as it taught her that it can slowly heal
but at the same time it can break you down even more

Age 17, she finally learned what betrayal was
through friends and love
she began to wonder "Why did I even bother?"
she once more slowly closed up, though others begged her not to
she refused to listen as she slowly became distants
slowly her poems became once more existant

Age 18, she continues her writing til her fingers go numb
sadly, the pain will always be there
She is known to be very anti-social but yet she holds a few close
she slowly wanders in and out of love but never grows attached
she refuse to walk that path...

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Closed off

Closed off
A term many people use to identify someone who doesn't let others "in" someone who only pushes people away and allows themselves to be "anti-social"
People think because someone is this way, they just aren't worth getting to know let alone worth the attempt of acceptance.
I am "Closed off" or better yet "Closed up" for a reason. A reason so many are to blind to see.
People think because of how I am, my life is perfect but its not, no one life is perfect. Some endure many things while many just have an easy life.
I'm not saying my life is the worse but I'm sure so many can relate.
Relate to having people closest to you hurt you so much you think suicide is the way to end the pain.
Relate constantly being molested for 2-3 years of your life and not being able to stop it cause your to young to really grip whats going on.
Even relate to being raped. Though sadly, not many can say "I was raped because I was saving my best friend" but even so.
My life had its ups and down but its more of the "downs" that have made me the way I come off.
There have been goods times in my life and its the goods that have given me memories worth keeping but its really not enough.
I'm closed up because, in truth its a way of me finding out whose willing to stay and attempt to get through. Not to push them away but to have them pull themselves closer.but not many make it through, instead just give up and call me a "lost" cause. so I'll remain the way I am until someone is really willing to get through my doors and walls to find the real me.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Who is this girl

Her eyes hide the many stories of her past. Her lips hide the very voice that barely speaks. Her arms hold the warmth of a loving heart, her heart holds the small light that barely looks past the dark.
Through all the painful times, she still is able to care for others, even strangers.
Through all the harm that's been brought upon her she still is able to smile and speak with a caring voice.
She once was cold towards so many, barely able to care for anyone but herself.
but so easily people came into her life and showed her the light she was to blind to see.
Her past created a road she promised to never follow again.
Her future leading her to the road she always dreamed of.
Who is she this girl?
She is known by so many names, so many identities, one would think she is lost.
The thing is, she knows who she is, she knows where she stands, though she responds to more then one name, she is the same person
Who is she?
She's a lover, a fighter, a great friend to many and a motherly figure to people who never knew the love of a mother. She's an idol to the youngest in her family, she's the perfect child to a loving mother and father. She's a pillar to those who are to weak to stand on their own. A poet that writes from her heart, A story teller that expresses her imagination.
She isn't afraid to speak her mind, isn't afraid to fight for what she believe is right. She isn't afraid to say "no" to something she doesn't approve of.
Call her degrading words, call her whatever you wish but what matters is that she knows who is she is, inside and out.
So, who is this girl?
Her name is Angie but she prefers to be called Rica.
One would say she wears her heart on her sleeve or maybe, she simply holds it in her hands. Hoping someone would hold it with her and not attempt to break it.
But even if this was to happen, she'd just pick up her pieces and move on.
She struggles with her emotions but so easily she gets back on track.
She even struggles with her own sexuality, only because of how closed minded many are.
She never will change who she is, what she have become. No one can change her, that simple.